Long distance traveller

Its 6am, I’m completely naked and the walls are shaking. There is soap in my eyes, my pants are stuffed behind a pipe and I’m terrified of falling into the squat toilet. It’s the end of a 16hour train journey and I’ve woken up to a wall of hot air making me sweat out a kidney, and I’m in desperate need of a fresh shirt and clean water on my back.

The trick to surviving long distance Indian train travel is comfort and cleanliness. I’ve found you can cope with any journey, even several in succession, if you stick to a few simple principles.

First, always take a pillow. An obvious one but too often overlooked.

Second, pack two blankets, one thick and one thin. I have a Tibetan shawl that is perfect for both hot and cold occasions, but any sensible combination will suffice.

Third, bring your own food and water. Major train stations have great places to eat so get your Tiffin box sorted before hand, otherwise you’re playing Russian roulette with the onboard food whallas.

Forth, bring books, iPods, travel games or anything you can do to pass the time. Kanyakumari to Delhi is a 50 hour non stop trip, I love India, but there’s only so much pre monsoon scrub a man can look at in a day.

Fifth, pack a bar of soap, a thin cloth, a pair of scissors and an empty plastic bottle into your accessible hand luggage. That’s right, an empty plastic bottle. Need an explanation? Go back to the naked, shaking, soap covered gora with his watchful eyes on the hole in the floor and all will be revealed, staying clean is the Valium of mornings.

There is no way that you’re going to wash your entire body with one litre of prepackaged drinking water. If it can be done, it can’t by me, and I doubt very thoroughly by anyone. But by making a simple container you can bucket wash your way next to godliness.

Cut off the top of the plastic bottle so you have a makeshift flask. Fill this up with water from the sink and slowly poor it down your back and front. Don’t go crazy, save that for the soap. Once you’re wet and suitably lathered, repeat the pouring action whilst rinsing your skin with your free hand. Indian train toilets are designed to drain water so don’t worry about flooding the floor. In short, go nuts.

Couple of useful pointers; it should take at least two flask fulls to wash your torso and three more to wash your limbs, swap hands to properly clean your opposing armpits, only use water from the sink tap if you can help it, and never, ever, EVER, put soap on the soles of your feet until the rest of your body is happily air drying. Nobody needs to experience the thrill of sliding around the inside of an Indian toilet at high speed to understand the importance of this maneuver.

Now you’re clean dry yourself with the thin cloth, get dressed and then dry the cloth by hanging it out of the open train door. India has a much more liberal approach to public health and safety and exploiting this can work to your advantage. All that’s left to do now is to get back to points one through to four and enjoy the rest of your journey.

Oh, one more quick tip. When you’re in an Indian toilet, stark bollock naked and covered in soap, lock the fucking door.