They’re burying my Nan today and I’m on a bus 4,500 miles from where they’ll be holding the funeral. It’s going to be a small service, by the graveside. She was 94. Most of the people she knew are already dead.
I spoke to my mum yesterday to wish her good luck and to tell her I’ll be thinking of everyone. She was sitting in her kitchen surrounded by the young girls of our family, my niece and my cousin’s eldest daughter, both shouting and running, excited at all the attention. I was in an Internet booth killing mosquitoes. Ironic really, the females only bite so they can give birth to their young.
I won’t be going home for the funeral. Everyone said not to travel but it was my sister and I who made the final decision. I was standing in the doorway of my friend’s café in Kochi, watching the early monsoon rain and shouting into my mobile. My sister’s stronger than me, I feel safe knowing that she’ll be there for mum.
This bus has been going over The Western Ghats for about three hours now, but it’s hard to tell in the heat. The view is beautiful, but all I can see are the steep drops by the side of the road. I’ve been thinking a lot. The significance of family will not leave my mind today.
I come from what the eighties coined a ‘broken home’, a term that’s lost its impact back in the UK. My parents divorced when I was 4 and it was generally understood that it was the right thing to do. I’m glad they did, they needed to separate. By the time they split up ours was not the happiest of homes.
When I was a teenager I didn’t speak to my father for several years. My choice, his fault. We’re friends again now, a good end result, and when he’s strong I value his opinion above most other men’s in the world. He’s a writer too, along with my face I get that from him.
My sister had a daughter 2 ½ years ago with a man she’s been with for another 5. I could never hold down relationships and I’m thankful of these new additions to my life. I love them both very much, although I don’t say it enough.
My Grandma, on my father’s side, raised me and my sister in the absence of her son. She’s a strong woman, pragmatic to the core, and our weekly Wednesday dinners have been one of the most rewarding regularities of my adult life. When I was young and in trouble her doorstep was my default port of call.
Outside of my immediate family I have cousins, uncles and aunts dotted around the UK and abroad, although my mum’s sister died unexpectedly in May last year. They love me and I them, and it is my constant regret that I don’t know them all better. I’m working on this but it takes space, commitment and time. As does everything else that I want.
Through these people and my friends, the brothers and sisters I have chosen for myself, I am surrounded by love. I’m lucky, very lucky, I’ve known those who were less fortunate.
When I was growing up I had a friend and for the sake of anonymity we’ll call him Simon. We got close, into trouble, fucked up on drugs, and eventually not in the good way. I leant then that you should never underestimate the power of familiarity and denial.
Both our minds went to mush before we turned 18 and I dove straight to the bottom of a bottle of Vodka. Simon rested his head on the shoulders of heroin. When it got serious my mum locked me in a room for a month and made all the appropriate calls. I don’t know where Simon is now, he didn’t have the support I did.
And as for my mother, she’s the most incredible woman I’ve ever known. She’s my best friend as well as my parent and role model. I can’t write how much I love her so I won’t even try, besides the one who needs to know this already does. I owe her my life, all the parts that matter anyway, and now she’s an orphan I’ll do whatever I can to make sure she feels loved.
When it comes down to it family is what you make it. In India the old live with the young and those in between take care of them both. England is different, not better or worse, just not like it is here. In the UK families are more fragmented, and you have to work harder to involve yourselves in each other’s lives. It took me a long time to realise that the world didn’t owe me any favours, but now that I do I will fight tooth and nail to keep close those that I love.
The funeral’s taking place in about 7 hours time and my Uncle’s doing the reading, he holds humanist services and is the right man for the job. I’ll be in a new town, looking for a new place to stay and new company to distract me. Strange people and places to help me forget what my lifestyle makes me sacrifice.
Sometimes it’s hard being away but I’m thankful that I went to see my Nan before I left last year. She was on great form, I got a big hug and many words of advice. I think she knew, looking back I think I did too.
A few weeks ago I was in Hampi, Karnataka’s ancient capital of the Vijayanagara Empire, and I overheard a ‘traveller’ from Bristol imparting his knowledge of the East to a couple of young Swedish girls. He had white lips, loose change and an unhealthy attitude to amphetamines.
‘India’s like nowhere else in the world,’ he preached over coffee, ‘it’s so different, it’s so raw, it’s so real. You see life and death everyday here. Not like in Europe.’
Yeah right mate, shut and wake the fuck up.
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I took out a few moments and said a prayer for your family, especially your mom. You don't have to be there in person as long as your there in spirit, I gald you got to see her before you left. My thought are with you today hun.
ReplyDeleteA lovely open and honest interpretation of a man who is greatful for what he has been given. I miss India dearly and especially the friends who became family, who nurtured me when I thought it was me who was going to give. Thanks for your enjoyable blogs, reminding me of a madly sweet place.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jodie x
ReplyDeleteThanks Sarah, cheers for reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm always pleased when this blog reminds people of thier own experiences. Its nothing if it doesn't hit some personal chord in the reader.
Thanks for your thoughts mate x
My 4 year old little boy Jack cried himself to sleep last night because he just learned / understood about Heaven. He said he was scared to have to wait alone for us to join him if he went now. It's a fact of life and I remember how upset I was when I first found out that it doesn't all last forever. Going to spend some quality time with him this weekend. Your Nan lives on through your memories.
ReplyDeleteDeath's a tough realisation. It used to and sometimes still does scare the crap out of me.
ReplyDeleteJack will find comfort in your love and knowing its there, and without sounding cheesy, even through death somehow that doesn't die. There's something beautiful in the fact that his fear was about being without his parents, not death itself. I guess its the attachments more that the process that we really fear.
Thanks for your post Paul, sincerely, all the best.
Yesterday, I looked after my 2 year old niece for a few hours, and when the rain stopped, we headed outside to go on a bear hunt in the back garden.
ReplyDeleteThere were a few white feathers strewn around so I assumed it was my Angels letting me know that they were near by.
Whilst peering through the bushes at an old man fishing in the next door neighbours garden (a gnome), I saw the entrails and body of a pigeon, freshly murdered by some cat and left unceremoniously with its guts hanging out.
Although it was not a pretty sight (and thank fully my niece didnt see it too), it seemed befitting for the day somehow.
There is no life without death.
Old physical beings are dying in order so their spirits can be reborn with a refreshed outlook and heightened spirituality.
Death is not the end, it is simply another beginning.
Bless you and your family Ed.
xx
Been on the road so apologies for late reply.
ReplyDeleteI loved the story, and I believe the sentiment is personally true. I was researching 'near death experiences', the hundreds of thousands of cases that prove, in an academic 'control experiment' kind of way, that there is more than the physical world we know, see and touch. And after all the tunnels, after all the white light, many, many experiences recall a voice, or a being, asking one simple question. 'What did you learn?'
There's an answer in there. I'm still looking, methodically and practically, but it makes sense to me.
Thank you for your post, and thank you for your regards.
Harry came up with reincarnation all by himself today, well I say all by himself Tom repeatedly told him our recently departed relatives were not on the moon. We are non believers of the highest order Darwin aint got nothing on Team Phillips, but it has to be said that every time i have a baby I take out a grandparent from my family and one from toms. We have none left now and I am determined not to have any more kids. I know if you were to ask him Tom would give a flippant and pragmatic, unfeeling even answer on Death, but our son is called Danny! I loved my nan as if she was almost god like, sounds like you felt the same. XXxx
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